cheap brick wall
standing against a cheap brick wall
waiting for you
with every moment i'm hoping
hoping it's you
now the sky is heavy and gray
and the wind's cold
as i stand against the white wall
fighting the cold
today i am sad and lonely
searching for love
i wish you could be here with me
it's you i love
learning to hate this cheap brick wall
unfeeling wall
i feel so uncomfortable by
this cheap brick wall
and i run away into the cold
and down the hill
i turn to see the cheap brick wall
on that cold hill
April 1988
Above poem was written while waiting to be picked up from school. There was a white-painted brick wall near the gym and our school was up on a hill, so wind had little to block it from sweeping between the buildings.
i could never despise you
in your absence my heart has broken
my soul has shattered
i live in light no longer
i would do anything to keep you for mine own
but you're always running away with someone else
so i hold back my tears and laugh it away
and my feelings well up inside of me
like dew drops or rain
i have become so tormented by your name
and haunted by your face
i would have had you kiss my troubles away
one by one
and hold me so tight my heart would flip over
ninety times or more
layer after layer you would see i'm not so cold
but lonely and
loneliness makes me seem so cold
but your not here at all
you are not
now my life has no meaning still
i could never despise you
for three eternities or four because
i love you
August 1988
I suspect I wrote this about or for a person I was infatuated with at the time. I think the numbers used in the poem have some vague significance.
I know my love
i have but loved you for a year
a teardrop in an ocean
compared to eternity, but it seems
three eternities have passed this year
i have loved you long and
i have loved you true
i would do most any thing
for you, i would die for you
why do you hate me i wonder
and i ponder the twists and turns
of you inner self
trying to understand you
why i ask
you see we are the same
but different
siamese twins
dancing through life to the same tune
you insist on your supremacy, stepping
on anyone to keep it
twisting in the waves that wash over you
every so often
letting your true self shine through
stay true , my love, stay true
no one can love you until they know you
i know my love as i know myself
none to well
May 1989
This also, probably, was written for that school crush person.
Faith
faith is not a gift; it is not given freely
faith is something you find yourself
and i have discovered faith
and i
know what i believe is true
and
to me it is the truth
but to you it may be false
and for me to tell you it is true
would only make me a liar in your eyes
all I can do
is tell you what i believe to be truth
and hope and pray
that one day you will find your faith
and agree with me
but if your faith is different from mine own
it wont make me love you any less
because to love someone is to accept them
for what they are
i only hope i can accept myself
July 1989
This one, I think, is fairly self explanatory. It's not symbolic or anything, just about faith.
i know you well
every time I brag and every time i boast
I don' t mean to make you feel bad
i only want to feel good myself
and you my siamese twin do the same i expect
so unsure of yourself inside
you have to shout it out loud just to convince yourself
every time i act conceited and every boost to my ego
is just to assure myself that i'm a good person
and not to put you down
and it i scare you i don't mean it
and if you scare me well i hope you didn't mean it
and it you see me cry don't you cry too
and if you cry i hope it is a good cry
and i haven't hurt you
July 1989
A lot of these poems tend to use words or phrases that reoccur in lyrics for songs by The Cure. Like, 'siamese twins', which appears in Echo and the Bunnymen lyrics as well as songs by The Cure. I think in these poems, the twins reference always was refering to that person I was infatuated with. (Dead embarrassing to admit all this now, though.)
as sure as knives
"there are a thousand things,
he said,
i'll never say those things again'',
you sing
and i realize what those things are
because words can cut as sure as knives
and cries as sure as swords
i've cut and i've been cut
so i cry and i cry and i cry
to let it all out
i never meant those things i said
i never meant to hurt you
and tears stream down my face
i hide my head to hide the fear
fear is what it is
i even scare myself sometimes
sometimes i even scare myself
July 1989
I think the quoted part actually is lyrics from a Cure song. Otherwise, I think the poem just expressed my feelings at the time in general, not exactly feelings regarding any one person.
how beautiful you are
listening to your voice
at a quarter to three
sitting at the foot of the bed
he knows too much
she cries
he really knows too much
and turning she asks
how can one man know so much
you must have lived some life
you really are gifted and cursed
you must have lived a wonderful life
a terrible life and loved
this song is so trippy
she smiles and dances around the room
i really love this song
you must be the most beautiful person
on the face of the earth
to write that way
you must be the most beautiful person
on the face of the earth
July 1989
Think this poem is probably addressing Robert Smith, who is the lyricist for The Cure. Yeah, I used to be this total curehead. I still have respect for Smith and that group, but it's not anything like obsession these days.
i
ultimately i am
a shy introverted self conscious fragile
person
and for fear of rejection or failure
i never told you
that i loved you
because i could never believe
that you would ever love me
as much as i love you
October 1989
This could be interpreted as being addressed to that crush person, but it could also be a confession in general of the way I interact with people. I do not recall which it might be.
sleep
i' m startled surprised but too weary to jump.
i try to move but i am stuck.
you scratch out my eyes and bludgeon my head.
you torture me.
you pierce my feet (with a thousand million pins).
and you make my knees so sore.
I can' t feel my legs anymore.
i think that i'm standing and stagger slowly to my room.
my neck is all broken.
and my arms are too heavy to move.
I breathe and i sigh and i crawl into bed.
I feel your arms embrace me…
And I wonder if i will ever awaken.
October 1989
Now, here I was trying to, or starting to, be less literal and actually be more poetic and symbolic. The poem personifies Sleep, and so I am addressing Sleep while describing how tired I was feeling.
cold
i had a dream last night
an image
in a mirror dark and cool
of walking in a garden with flowers
at my feet and in my mouth
following a boy
slowly up the stairs to that same dark room
with cats in my head and worms at my skin
to feel the stare
of the spider
falling on a polka dot bed
and feel the dark surround me
all soft black and velvety to feet the touch
of his angel hands
and taste the taste on the tip of my tongue
of something like vanilla ice cream
and strawberries
oh slipping into the water and gasping
hold my trembling boy
to keep him from the cold so lonely and empty
so big bright and bold
and standing in the rain
watch the ocean kiss the sun and crying
kiss my precious boy turning
to hide his tears and with eyes closed tight
lay me down to sleep
only to awake with nothing but a picture
in my head
October 1989
I think it is possible this 'poem' was written as a joke. I think I tried to use as many words from Cure songs as possible without actually reproducing a Cure song. I cannot recall how serious this was meant to be at the time I wrote it.
under the dirt
i'm feeling so very low
i'm under the dirt again
all the people don't even
know my name they harass
me they abuse me
they laugh at my pain a
great big man with a great big
voice cheers on my enemy
and i feel so low i
can't take this pain all the
dirt falls on my head again
i'm under the dirt again
March 1990
Clearly grave imagery. I want to say it was based on a dream I had, but I cannot clearly recall what I was thinking when I wrote it. It is kinda confusing to me, so I think it is not meant to be literal, it would not make so much sense otherwsie. The speaker is already under the dirt when they are talking about being abused, and laughed at, so I think that I am trying to say that the 'speaker' here feels like they are dead, not that they are literally under the dirt.
sweetest little angel
you're the sweetest little angel
and you dance inside my head
when i start to dream i wake you
you come to life as i sleep
dance dance dance my little angel
twist inside of me
angel dance for me tonight
i love to watch you dance
and also the little flowers
that do rain down as i breathe
laugh laugh laugh my little angel
dance inside my head.
March 1990
I used an OCR to transfer old hardcopies of these poems (dot matrix printing on tractor paper with really wide kerning!) to the computer and during editing I realized that 'dream' had been rendered as 'cream' and it totally changed the meaning of all the following lines. Laughter. I am pretty sure that the true meaning of this poem is something very innocent!
never wanted to love you
why why why must you hurt me again
i never wanted to love you again
your eyes they laugh at me laugh incessantly
your smile it weakens me weakens thoroughly
and i can't pretend that i don't love you
so just leave me alone i can't trust you
don't hurt me again like you did before
i never wanted to love you again
never wanted to love you.
March 1990
Sometimes, when I reread these I feel like if another person had written them I would interpret stuff like this to be indicative of some kind of abuse. Or, I might interpret the speaker to have had some past serious romance. Neither is true to my knowledge. I think the disturbing thing is that to a sensative person (especially a teenager) things like unintentional neglect or teasing can seem as hurtful.
it would be so sweet
it would be so sweet just to hold you again
if i could only let you in
i don't even trust myself anymore
i don't want to be hurt again
i can't risk loosing you and so
i say leave me alone
i'll never see you again
I'll never dream of you again
if only it worked the first time
it might have worked again
i want to have you so badly
it makes me cry the way you
treat me now don't even try
to understand i can't see you anymore
i'll never dream of you again
March 1990
This really disturbs me: the notion that if love is one-sided or lost, one can somehow make themselves never love anyone again, to avoid feeling that pain of love not being returned or being lost. It is a hopeless idea. And, I used to feel like this all the time. Boys and Girls, be more considerate toward each other, and remember, it's better to just be honest about how you feel than to harbor your secret feelings until they poison your soul. Man, this person I was infatuated with didn't turn out to be that amazing!
learning to breathe
faith standing
dressed in fuchsia
mourning for the death of her sister
drown in the ocean
trying to breathe
oh mary
why did you go
angels don't swim
i told you
he's crying
tears out his heart
like ice, for the loss of his lover
dead in the water
learning to breathe
mary
why did you go
angels can't swim
i told you
i told you
April 1990
This poem is sad in another way. It is one of the character voice poems. I had written this story called Happily Ever After in which this woman named Mary drown. Faith was the name of her sister and happened to wear fuchsia to the funeral. I have this deal with my mother that if she dies I can wear some bright color like fuchsia to her funeral, to show I am happy she is in Heaven. I wear black all the time, so it would not be as special (though I have worn it to funerals, because who wants good gloves, hats and veils to go to waste.)
there's a light in the sky
wake up there's a light in the sky
only to have it stolen
she's gone why did she have to die
now my heart is broken
sweet dreams now to my little one
happy ever after
dreaming still under the dying sun
why didn't i catch her
look now there's a knife in my hand
i could end it right now
my blood spills all over the land
i can be with you now
suicide why did i have to die
i'm in love with you dear
now there's no time for me to cry
i shall sleep with you here
i see there's a light in the sky
now we've nothing to fear
April 1990
I think this poem is also from that Happily Ever After story. The husband of Mary was named Robert and these poems would be in his 'voice'. This one actually has a rhyme pattern. Every other line rhymes. I guess he killed himself at the end, though I do not actually remember finishing that story.
i will be your little girl
kiss me kiss me kiss me
take me at the mouth
slowly turn me inside out
lick my body clean
take my organs for your own
let me be your every breath
kiss me smother me
breathlessly dress me
in kisses from head to toe
and all over again
drown me in the water
tie me in a sack and drown me
kiss me in the water
oh just pull me under
i will be your little girl
gorge me with violet sleep
and kiss me as i dream
three inches from your teeth
the next night in the next place
we will play our little game
take me in your arms
lick the dust from my eyes
taste the taste in my mouth
let me be your food
oh just swallow me whole…
…i will be your little girl
April 1990
This poem is also in a sort of voice. I had read the novel Lolita by Nabokov previous to writing this. If you know the novel, then some of the phrases and imagery here makes sense. Either way, the poem should be disturbing to most people, as it is written in the voice of the nymphet, as if she is willing.
technicolor dreams
a kiss in the dreamhouse say hello
strange joy in front of the television
kaleidoscope blue looking at the sun set
see the colors on the wall i can't. hear you
enchanted hunters dressed in frocks
silver bubbles tiny bells everything swells
chimes on the porch are swinging
we're certainly having a lot of weather
i hear the sun's bright in the bahamas
small talk on the radio
window looks blue in the morning
rainbows dancing on the walls
touch me and i'll die
a taste or strawberries in my mouth
i can't stand these technicolor dreams
wake me up i'm dreaming wake me up
someone wake me up wake me up i'm dreaming
April 1990
I do not honestly know what this one is about. It could be i was trying to use phrases from Cure songs again. I'm not sure. It seems trippy, but I am almost like Straight Edge. (Except I'm not Edge, because they tend to listen to other kinds of music.)